When Butterflies Become Dragons

Several weeks ago I was lying on the physio bed with the magician that is JH endeavouring to hack through the plethora of niggles and problems I bring to him on the regular. We tend to chat whimsical nonsense and I feel very lucky to benefit from not only his inimitable professional expertise, but also his friendship. However, every now and then our conversations will become more serious in tone and it was on this occasion several weeks ago that I shared with him how nervous I was feeling ahead of competing at the World University Games. It was five years since I had competed in a championship and six years since I had competed internationally for GB. Further, it had also been a very testing fortnight managing the lights that were coming up on my metaphorical dashboard. I wondered if I would have what it takes to raise my game in a high pressure situation and also feared my nigh on non-existent prep in the two weeks prior to the comp would sting me. Spoilers; I did and it didn't.

JH's response to sharing my apprehensions was to draw my attention to the part in the 2012 documentary, 'School of Hard Knocks' where rugby coach Scott Quinnell is giving a motivational talk to his athletes ahead of their championship final. He says, "The butterflies, those nerves in your stomach, if they are there now, when we walk out that door, they turn to dragons because they get bigger and they get stronger and we use them. And those dragons this year, I am convinced are going to breathe fire!"

I don't think JH could have anticipated the impact that reference would have on me and the manner in which it would stick with me; he often under-appreciates the positive difference he makes to people. It was exactly what I needed to hear because it was a pertinent reminder that nerves are a privilege and not to be feared because when utilised, they're a superpower. It also brought back into focus the autonomy I have over my own thoughts and perspective. I am in full control of my own narrative and the fight I choose to put up to circumstance. After our chat I carried that knowledge with me and welcomed the butterflies throughout the experience of the world uni games because I knew what, when it mattered, those butterflies would become.

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It was wonderful to be back at a championships and to interact with so many new individuals, all armed with their own backstories and beliefs. I took huge inspiration from watching my room-mate Lucy Armitage in the 800m heats. Like all of us, she was nervous prior to her race, but I had the privilege of watching first-hand those nerves become like rocket fuel to her. Myself and some of my teammates were placed at the start of the home straight to watch her race and as she came out of the final bend she was in 5th, one place outside of the automatic qualifying spots for the semi-finals. She forged into the home straight and as she passed us I saw this shade of determination wash over her. She fought all the way to the line, finishing a fantastic third and qualifying automatically for the semi-finals. I was very proud of her. It was so magical to see someone take their nerves and wield them to control their own outcome. I have always said that your dreams are worth fighting for (a primary reason as to why I've kept going with this sport even when my athletics career had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel), and so to see that fight, that fire, was all the proof I needed that the butterflies have got your back.

The idea of butterflies becoming dragons and the belief that those dragons would breathe fire also resonated with me on a creative level. I have always had such an affinity towards writing, I find it so healing and fundamental to my very functioning. I think I have that affinity because of my beliefs.

I believe that the universe is an explosion. It's our genesis, it's where we're from, it's where we live, an explosion. I think that explosion scatters star stuff across the cosmos and forges stories in galaxies beyond horizons unknown. I believe that sometimes that explosion arranges star stuff in such a way that it becomes very haunted. And I think sometimes that explosion will explode so hard that star stuff wakes up and thinks about itself. And then, I believe, it writes about the flames.

It has been so healing to realise that the fire is not something to fall victim to.

The fire makes us.

The fire comes from us.

I have believed for a very long time that fire is the test of gold.

How beautiful it is to realise that the fire does not have to be some grandiose test from the universe. When we are brave, the fire can come from the dragons our butterflies become.

LM